4 am knows all my secrets

Sleep has eluded me so far. Again. My brain won't stop talking to itself and I can't close my eyes and just pretend to ignore the voices in my head. My thoughts are scaring me lately. I feel like I'm drowning  drowning in my own mind. And there's also my stained face with tears...

I don't wanna think anymore. I don't wanna wake up anymore. Because when I'm sleeping I'm not thinking and this is great. But when I wake up, it's just like a reverse nightmare. And there's nothing I can do to about it. Or is there?

Stop this voices in my head. Please. They are killing me. "You are not good enough. You are stupid. You are weak. You will never heal. The blood will never stop spilling through your cuts. They will give up on you. Soon, they all will give up on you and you will be alone again." They are killing me.

Assumptions, doubts, regrets. It seems like I can't find a way to live like I should. And I get depressed because I know I am not what I should be. Seems like I'm drowning in this sea, the difference is that everyone else around me is finding a way to breathe.

I don't wanna give up. But what if I'm doing it all wrong? What if things are not going the way they were supposed to be? What if I'm too blind to see what is just in front of me? So I might have fought in vain. It was all in vain. And in the end they will be right and I will be wrong. Like always.

Everyone's asking what is wrong with me, but it doesn't make any sense. My heart aches, it's all I know. So I will just tell them I'm ok. Put on a fake smile, and they won't even realize how mentally and physically tired I am. Torn on the inside. This pain is not real. This just can't be real.

Is hard to admit you are not as strong as everyone believes. But you must be strong. At least try to look like you are. Because they don't know I can't sleep at night. They don't know the hell that is inside of me. They don't know what this pain will lead me through. And they will never know.

Nobody will never know because I can't even explain what's  going on. And even if I could... Who would understand? Who really cares? In the end, we will die alone, won't we? There is just so much pain on the inside... I can't believe it came to this. And I fear that this ship is sinking.

I am torn and tired, I wanna go home. Where is home? Maybe you all will understand when I'm gone.